He asked me if I "almost moaned"
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
