i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
