I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
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If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
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He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
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