explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Randomize
