i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
