First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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