Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
