just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
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You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
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No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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