Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
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