I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
