I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
