Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
