I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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