when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
