made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
