I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
