When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
