Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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