Are we in a gay sports bar?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
