His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
