I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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