What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
