youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
