You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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