Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.