Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
