that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
