What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
