I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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