Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
