Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
