so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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