my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
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It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
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My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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