I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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