highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
