I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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