Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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