plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Im just a social blackout drinker.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
