The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
