I can text with my tongue
He had one of those small greek statue penises
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
