Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
