my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
