I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
