Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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