I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
