My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
