my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
