i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
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