The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
