need another drink. this is the easiest way
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
