my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
