Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Randomize
