i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
