Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Randomize
