I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
