I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
